January...

It's January. The first month of another new year. Most people are caught up in the new-ness of everything. I am too a little. Making new habits, looking for new perspectives, making new changes in ourselves and our environments. But January is something different for me. A reflection. I spend just as much time looking forward to the future this month as I do reflecting on the past and pondering.

You see, my mother passed away very unexpectedly from unknown causes on January 6th, 2007.

She and I had a close, but often rocky relationship full of love and disagreement. I loved her with all my heart and yet she drove me absolutely crazy most times. I frustrated her with my will and desire to be my own person (which meant that I often didn't take the good advice she offered) and yet she was always there for me. But she was always my mother no matter how hard our heads butted.

I miss her immensely. She was like a lighthouse on the shore for me in rough waters. She was like a pounding surf on the sand at times too. But there are other times when she was gentle and sweet like long awaited fresh rain.

January always brings thoughts of her flooding back to me. Looking back now, there are so many questions I wish I had asked about her life and experiences. In some ways she is a mystery to me. I regret not asking those questions. Maybe they would have brought us closer than we were. I would have answers beyond my experience for my kids when they ask me what she was like. Stories about her life.

It makes me think hard about my relationship with my own children. Do they know me? Am I too reserved with them? I don't want them to have unasked questions after I'm gone. It's an empty feeling. There's no one here who can tell me how she felt on her first date, on her wedding day, who her favorite teacher was in school. There is a loss in death sometimes that leaves a bigger hole in those left behind. There is a sadness and a hope there for me. A hope that one day I will get to ask her all the questions I never asked her here. I'm saving up questions for heaven.

At a Loss for Words....

Hello Strangers :)
I know, it's been quite a while since my last blog post. What can I say? Sometimes I can't seem to link two strings of thought together. I'm sitting here sipping my hot cocoa, staring out the window at the grey sky trying to think up something witty to entertain you with, but I've got nothing. Well, it's not because life is so boring around here that it provides no material to write about......oh no. Quite the opposite, in fact. Life keeps skipping right on by full to the brim of things I want to share with you, but when I sit here poised at the keyboard...............nothing comes. *sigh* Ugh. Writing can be frustrating sometimes.

My husband thinks I should write a book. To be honest, I wouldn't have the slightest idea what in the world to write about, but the thought has presented itself in my own brain on more than one occasion. Hmm.....I don't know where that fits right now. Maybe someday in the future I will be inspired to whip out sort of witty repartee or a poignant touching story for you all to enjoy. I don't know. I will wait for Holy Spirit inspiration on that one. And I can't say that you will be the first to know I'm doing it for fear that the pressure will be too great and I will give up due to severe writers block. I will promise this: you'll be the first to see the finished product. How's that?

I ran across a wonderful quote today that was promptly added to my collection:

“Change is good in a way that childbirth is good, heartbreak is good and failure is good . . . it can push us, pull us, rebuke us and remake us. . . it is a function of God’s graciousness not life’s cruelty.”

That's good. It's true. I am so entirely thankful that God is gracious to us. Me in particular. I often feel like I'm the frustrating toddler that refuses to obey my Father. How does He have such patience with me? I am utterly amazed. I find great comfort in these verses of Psalm 103:

¹³ The Lord is like a father to his children,

      tender and compassionate to those who fear him.

 ¹⁴ For he knows how weak we are;

      he remembers we are only dust.

Well, that's all I have for today, though I did manage to make a list of a few other ideas to write about next time. I'm praying for divine impartation and some inspiration to go on. In the meantime, have a wonderful day.

Bless you all,